Noor

Content warning: this story includes descriptions of domestic abuse and depression. Please read with care. We have listed some support services at the end.

I’m originally from Iran and moved to the UK in 2014, when I was 33 years old. I had a very good life in Iran. My family is traditional and although I argued with my father, I enjoyed my life because I was with family and friends. At university I studied software engineering and after graduating I started working on my own small but busy company. However, everything changed when I got married.

I never thought I would leave Iran, but when I fell in love with my partner, he told me that if I came to the UK with him, he would help me achieve my goals. He promised me so many things. Three months after the honeymoon I realised it wasn’t going to be like that. I found out that he hadn’t broken up with his ex-girlfriend. I spoke with my father and he told me to stay with him. The relationship then became abusive. He isolated me and I didn’t know anyone here. It was difficult after always being surrounded by so many people. I depended on him for everything. I spent five years in that abusive relationship until I felt I couldn’t stay anymore.

One day I talked with my GP and he helped me to leave him. For seven months I was in a hostel, my mental health was really low and I felt so lost. I wanted to be independent but didn’t know what job I wanted because I was mentally and physically exhausted. When I was married I worked as a dental nurse for one year — that was the only choice my husband gave me and it wasn’t my ideal job. I knew I couldn’t go back to Iran because both sides of our families are so traditional and divorce is forbidden. If I went back, they might make me marry again, so at least here I had a job and independence.

But I wanted to make a life with a career I enjoy, so I knew I needed to start something new.

During the pandemic I started volunteering for IKWRO because I like helping people. IKWRO supports Middle Eastern, North African and Afghan women and girls living in the UK who have experienced or are at risk of abuse. It was during this time that I heard about REFEO. I was feeling confused and lonely during lockdown when I received a call from REFEO. I told them about my goals, and was paired with a mentor. She was amazing! She called me every week for one hour and really listened. She helped to keep me on track, motivated me, helped with my CV and eventually I could find a job. She showed me how to achieve my goals and work towards them. REFEO is an amazing charity with an amazing team. I really appreciate how much they worked with me. They put me in so many different programmes to help with my studies.

With the help of my mentor, I decided to start a career in psychology and enrolled in a course. I studied adult and child safeguarding along with other modules. However, whilst I was studying I began to learn so much more about my previous relationship and how abusive it was. I realised I couldn’t continue my studies at that moment because I was still processing the trauma I went through. Studying Psychology was difficult because I was reading about situations that I had experienced. Now I know that anyone can fall into a relationship like that and that I wasn’t to blame. If I hadn’t studied psychology I’m not sure I would have realised that. I knew I needed to start something away from psychology, so I completed a course in beauty and another in medical beauty. I now work in a clinic and love my career. Next year I would like to complete a master’s degree in diet and nutrition to help people from a health perspective.

My life has changed completely. During these two years I’ve had such supportive women around me - my mentor from REFEO was a very strong, successful woman and she listened to me and helped me. I loved her and my caseworker. I have found that women lift each other up and help each other out. After I'm settled I really want to work in a charity so I can also help other women. And I still want to come back to psychology when I’m ready.

Above all, I am finally independent.

If you have experienced domestic abuse, there is support available. In England or Wales, contact the 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline. For support in Scotland, contact Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline.